Loss

Au revoir 2018; bon jour 2019

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As it’s the 8th January I’m late with the New Year post; you know life; it got in the way. I say got in the way but we were busy, I took time out and we enjoyed ourselves over Christmas and New Year.

Despite the enjoyment, Christmas has always been a tricky time of year for me even before we lost Alexandra. My birthday is 2 weeks before Christmas and it really really sucks. I’ve lost count of many have been disappointing and some downright majorly upsetting. My 16th was a corker- the middle of GCSE mocks, pretty much all my friends forgot and I had a school choir concert in the evening. I was absolutely miserable and spent quite a bit of time sobbing into my Mum’s shoulder. So, I’m never surprised when the birthday blues come to town.  I’m prepared for them now.

I spent December taking part in the #adventtoremember project on Instagram and it forced me to really think about Alexandra. She’s never far from my thoughts and I blether on about her all the time. I’m forever talking about a post I’ve seen on Instagram or blog post from the baby loss world (at the risk of bringing everyone down but

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whatever) but I do  a pretty good job of keeping busy and distracting myself from going any deeper in my thoughts about her. I don’t think my advent posts were as raw or worthy as some of the lovely posts I saw but I think that’s because it has been 3+years since we lost her.  Ophelia is now an extremely opinionated 2 year old (is there any other type?!) and she is the ultimate distraction. The advent project forced me to really devote time to her. I planned my posts around things that I was already doing so it was achievable – the last thing I wanted to do was pile on more pressure and expectations on myself.  It was a project that I enjoyed doing and I think I’ll do it again – despite our atheism!

We went away to Whitby with both sets of Grandparents for Christmas. Whitby is a really special place for us: it’s where we got engaged, where we had our pre-wedding shoot and where we spent Alexandra’s first birthday when I was heavily pregnant with Ophelia. We rented a lovely dog friendly holiday home and I got to live my fantasy of having a period property for a few days. By sheer co-incidence Martin House Child

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ren’s Hospice had one of their Books of Remembrance at St Mary’s Church in Whitby so I made sure her name was in the book so she was with us in some way. It turns out that dogs are allowed in church so we even got some “full” family photos with Humphrey! Unfortunately, the museum is shut until February so I couldn’t go and see if the witch’s hand is still there.  We went to visit our usual favourite places: St Mary’s, the beach, the Fuzzy Dog bakery and generally pottered around. On Boxing Day we watched the Boxing Day Dip organised by Whitby Lions – FREEZING!

In between Christmas and New Year I was back at work which meant Andrew and Ophelia had some Daddy and Daughter days – I think we need to start a list of activities because when greeted with no plans our minds seriously go blank and naturally feel like the worst parent’s in the world.IMG_20181225_160613940

We had planned to spend New Year at home but after realising that our friends were basically booked up for most of January they invited us over for a sleepover. We got dress up, ate our body weight in M&S party food and had a great time. We endured Humphrey’s usual firework melt down at mid night. Sadly it turned out that the blues and twos we’d been watching was for a stabbing that happened nearby. Through some Facebook digging it look as though the young lad is going to be ok. I guess it was a timely reminder that life can alter in a heartbeat.

We haven’t made a list of resolutions. Last year we made a list of goals and we managed most of them: I got a new job, Andrew got a new car, we revamped the downstairs loo and constantly de-cluttered (I loved Marie Kondo before Netflix man!)

I’m going to endeavour to do more of the things I enjoy so more creative things and reading. My first thing is a calligraphy class in February and also to start some of the cross stitches from the uber cool pattern book I got for Christmas.

We’ve made some important decisions for 2019 about where we’re heading but as they’re in the very early stages of planning I’ll finish by saying that hopefully 2019 will be BIG for us.

Oh and also BOLLOCKS TO BREXIT

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